new beginnings

so its been a while i blogged..yea u prolly read somethn like dt in my last post rite..i'm sorry..i dont knw why writing which used to be my passion,my favourite hobby is so epileptic..i promise i'll blog everyday frm now on..or at least evry other day..so i work nw ..in a different place..and here its sooooooooo un-amazing!!! lol..i knw ryt! i wont bore u..my day was great! all i did ws watch jane allll day:) incase u knw not who jane is,he's this guy who pretends to read minds and catch bad guys with his unusual skills..so that's usually the kinds of soaps i watch..

i should totally be asleep right nw..i have something like a big day 2moro..something like..u noticed right? it's just i don't wanna make a big fuss about it even though i think it's a big deal and my boyfriend doesnt!

yes!!i used the boyfriend word:) not a single sister anymore..i do have this amazingly cute,unbelievably smart and terribly sweet guy whom i'm crazily in love with:) me with my annoying adjectives innit..well dts a story for another post;) okay,m smiling a lot nw..anyways,this first post is just supposed to be a welcome back one..but i let my mouth run away with me..right nw,what i'm gonna do is zip it! so my deareast,it stil revolves around me..the best parts of life...:)

MY JUDAS!!!

Alright. So I'm blogging again. After an amazingly long time. I lost myself. Atleast, that's what i like to think.lol. But I'm back now. Bursting with life like never before. I was hurt. I was hurt by a friend. I won't go into details as i don't want to re-live what happened, but it did get to me. I became depressed. Sad. Pathetic. But you probably won't have known if you had met me. And that's because i kept it bottled inside. I kept a really calm exterior, but my inside was bubbling like a boiling pot of water. Unstable. Unsettled. Hopeless. Discouraged. And because of this negativity, I became depressed. I was sad. Irredeemably sad. And i thought there was nothing i could do about it. Everyone knew me as this everly cheerful person, so i didn't want to let them down. Or rather, i didnt want them to lose that image of me in their minds. So somehow, i don't even know how i did it, but i did. I kept that cheerfully calm exterior.

Let me clarify something before i go on, I soughted sanctuary. Sanity. Sanctity. But i didn't find. Well, at that time,its either i didnt search hard enough or i was searching all the wrong places. I tried to talk to people. Because i had learnt from experience that talking always made everything better. But as sad as it sounds, no one really wanted to listen. Really. Everyone is so concerned with themselves. So self-absorbed. No one wants to hear. They all wanted to be heard. So everytime i tried to talk to someone about what i was really going through, i ended up listening to them telling me what they were going through. Stories that could be heard later. Stories not as important as mine. Not as depressing as mine. Stories that only left me feeling worse. I really did try. But it seemed there was no one who genuinely cared enough to listen. Everyday people ask "how are you?". But do they really want to know? Do they really want to hear your story. Are they ready to listen? Most times the answer is NO. They ask because they are being polite. And they expect your response to be the same everyday- "FINE". As soon as i realised this, i knew i had to find a way out of this on my own.

Well, my own way wasn't fun.. at first. I would cry, wail, feel sorry for myself at any instance that i was alone. So i decided that, since im always sad when alone, i would try not to ever be alone. I would just get lost in someone else's world. I would always be at work. Be with friends. And whenever i was alone, i would be on the phone. But i knew this could continue forever. So i tried talking again. But again, roles were switched. I became the listener once more. So i sought the one and only true answer- God.

Why didn't i see this sooner? God. My saviour. Hahaha!!! Just one session with Him and i felt what i had not felt in a long time. Peace. Peace Oh My Goddness Peace at last!!! He made me understand that we all need our Judases. You remember Judas? the disciple? Yeah, who doesn't? For crying out loud, he betrayed Jesus!!! But God made me understand that Judas' role was imortant. Jesus would have completed His mission without Peter or John or any of His other loving and trusted disciple. But there was no way He would have done so without Judas. That kiss was needed. That betrayal kiss was needed.

So that friend who betrayed me is only moving me closer to the will of God for my life. Once i thought about what God just taught me, i realised that I have been suffering for nothing. Every disappointment is only to make me a better person. Not every tears shed is for nothing. It's not to destroy me... So now I'm out. Happy. Peaceful and full of life!!!

And what's wrong with being single???

These days i wonder why being single seems more like a disease than a status...you won't believe all my close friends are doing their best to hook me up with this guy and that guy...and i keep reminding them that I'm still a young lady!!! I meet a guy and the first question their asking is, "what do you think of him as your man?" Really, I'm amazed!!! Do i really need all the extra help I'm getting??? What happened to the times when we sit and wait for our Mr Right to come and sweep us off our feets? That's the way it should be. We should sit and sit and sit!!! Cuz we should be found. I know many are going to call this archaic. Many think that we should be out there calling the shots, picking this man and proposing marriage..afterall, we are equal beings...And sometimes i wanna believe that too. But let's not decieve ourselves, we loved being chased. We love all the attention it brings, and even if we end up not dating the guy, we still enjoy the chase!! Sometimes, we wanna relax, cut the guy some slacks but in the end, u'l see it never pays!!! Ladies make them sweat abegy..alright I'm kinda getting carried away.I was talking about being single. Compared to the heartbreaks and heartaches girls face in relationships everyday, i'l pick being single. Don't get me wrong, i dont like being single..infact being single sucks..and Yes, i've been single for so long i know. But, i'v had a feel of what it feels to be in a relationship. It's nice and it's special. And it's not something u sholud have to share with 5 or ten or more people hence it loses its value. So don't blame me if i'm almost synonymous with the word "single", i just want to get it and get it right. I'm not some cheap suit any man can just come and try on to see if it fits and pull off if it doesnt. What am i getting at? I love my friends and i love the fact that they want me to "be with someone". But it has to happen right. Come to think of it, am i ready for such a big responsibility??? i know my DADDY isn't in the business of giving Rolls-Royces to 2 years old. I know if He thinks i am ready, "my One" will definately come and i'll so blog about it!!!!

Embracing Change

For many of us, change is this four-legged monster with two devilish horns and a very ugly face. In a simpler and acceptable word, change is the ENEMY. For me, change means so many different things, and that was why my leaving DDB came with so many mixed emotions. Permit me to expatiate on this ...

1. God’s way of saying enough is enough: My heavenly daddy looking down on me and saying, 'Hey, my pretty Adella, I think it’s time to step on to greener grass, so MOVE!!!'

2. My own happiness: Remember i told you of that boss that took me through fire??? So you get why I’m happy right?

3. My own judgement: There’s this naughty voice inside of me telling me that I probably didn’t work hard enough to be retained so GET OUT (LEAVE)!!!

4. And for those silly and unhealthy involvements I got into, moving on would be such a refreshment.

5. So many mistakes I made in trying to carve a niche for myself (which I did anyway), time to go on and not make them again.

6. The feeling of “YEAH, MY WORK HERE IS DONE” (but hey, who am i kidding? ;-))

7. I’m going to miss so many friends I’ve grown to be so fond of

... I could go on and on ... so I'd better stop.

So you see, leaving DDB was a very hard thing to do. Today, as I shut down my computer at work for the very last time, I fought back the tears. I carried my bag and looked at my desk for the very last time, and then I thought, very soon, someone else would sit there... and I hoped for that certain someone to find the kind of joy that desk brought me. Wow, so one year is already over? That’s a miracle...because it seems just like yesterday...Oh, how i remember the very beginning when i stepped into this place...THEN, it was an unfamiliar world...unfriendly...wild...silly... That innocent girl that stepped into the world of the unknown. That innocent girl trying to work her way to gain recognition. That innocent girl trying so hard to impress her bosses. That innocent girl...me.

Reminiscing about the past year, it’s been somewhat wonderful. Been through lots of ups and downs, twists and turns, love and hate, sillies and crazies...It’s been a blast really. A blast i didn’t want to end in a hurry. But then I thought, the world we live in is a rapidly changing world. To survive, we must learn to accept change, know when it’s time to move on for new discoveries. So today I made up my mind not to be tormented by something that was once wonderful ‘cuz I believe a greater wonder lies ahead.

I know I sucked at goodbyes. I was terrible at them. So I had been planning a silent exit...to leave like I would have left on any other day...just say goodnight with the hope of seeing everyone of them the following day. But it didn’t happen that way. I had a very dramatic exit filled with lots of hugs, kisses and most especially tears...

ME ND ME BOSS

you wanna knw al he says abt me??? well, here goes... how unserious i am...how i lack self-motivation, zero professionalism, incapable, laziness and no dedication. those are the things he always says to me (what i can remember now, at least).

everyone says m supposed to prove him wrng...stun him...take dt leap dt'll make him eat his tongue...and rili i do knw m supposed to do al dt ..but rili, i dont think m up for it..1, m rili not into forcing my views on other pple, or changing ppl's minds (dts y i dint do law) 2. i hate stress...

ok, m talking too much...bottom line...i rili admire my boss' zeal for wrk, success, progress wateva name we mite put on it, but every 1 has his own style...nd his style definitely aint mine...yet he feels everythin must b done his way...wt he considers as d best way (or not)..wateva..

you myt actually think dt m probably al doz things dt my boss thinks...but i'm not..i neva rili had prior knowledge in dis strategy thingy m into ryt nw...and i also lacked interest...but m a learner...i listen and i absorb...but here, its been rili difficult cuz no one's teaching...i guess dt's y al dis is a bit of a struggle...i usually grow into things...even if i dont like it (hell, i neva failed maths, infact i was almost excellent at it...even tho i hated it)..but if its taking 4eva to get into sumthn...then dt thing def aint my thing...

so av decided dt m not a strategist and m always very ready to accept me for who i am...i dont force anythin...as i said i hate stress..

how does this happen rili?

i knew a girl in the past. she seemed pretty perfect. i rilli wanted to be lyk her..i mean she was so cool..she was pretty, smart, respectful, nice, intelligent, rili clean..lol..and she had great joy.i never saw her frown..always happy..and i used to think...could one be this way forever? but there's more; u remember i told you this babe was like perfect and everything...she had grace.we all knw dt only a few ladies had that, and yes she did have it. she just rocked. All of a sudden she stepped into a new world...and she began to change. she lost herself..she tried so hard to be what i knew her to be but she couldnt. As i watched her struggle for her status quo, i felt terrible. She lost her smile, ahe lost her cheer and most of all, she lost her grace. It was like she met with a force that kept wanted to keep her lost in this strange world she now lives. she wanted to run back into her old world, but it had disappeared. i feared for her, oh i really did. She tried to hold on to what she knew, the things she thot made her tick, and i admired her for that. And i kept watching. Then i saw a light. it was like a place that looked so much like where she used to live before. i wanted to let her know that i could see it. i could see her comfort zone, her OWN place. Then i remembered that i couldn't. i could only watch this special being. I couldn't even speak to her..But i had faith. Faith that she would make it to that light. so i watched. but just in that moment, i saw her let go. she wouldn't try anymore. And the place i saw began to look farther away.

everything is pretty scary!!!

i sit here. surrounded by lots of people.so much noise all around me.yet i feel so so alone.it never used to be like this.never, never!!!i used to think my life had it all.fun..family..clothes..friends..music..fun..school..books.. fun..friends..hangout..fun..but those days are long over..now i seem to need more...more of everything..more of responsiblities mixed with all the fun and all the music and all the learning and all the friends..i rili want more.